Iron Chef Secret Ingredient Is...Styrofoam. Sqeezah!

Don't let the bright colors fool you.

I don’t know if any of you use iTunes but I just looked at my screen and there is a note on the Genius sidebar that says “You bought music by Jessica Simpson” above a song that it thinks I should download.  This is about as embarrassing as the fact that I thought Hawaiian fast food would be a lot better than normal fast food.  Have you ever heard anything bad about Hawaii?  No, you haven’t.  Don’t lie.  Stop lying.  NO YOU HAVEN’T.  Liar.

We decided to go to L&L Hawaiian Barbecue to chickity check it out for lunch today.  We walk in and there is a Hawaiian dude eating there with his family so obviously I expect this to be the greatest f’ing meal ever and I’m already trying to do the math in my head to see if I can afford the catering size portions.  Hawaiian dude distracted me though when he went up to the counter, opened his styrofoam container and said, “I was supposed to get two servings of macaroni salad and I asked for steamed rice.”  He didn’t even say “Mahalo.”  So I went back to the menu and decided on the Guava chicken.  “We ran out of that already.”  What?  How do you run out of guava chicken by 3pm?  It’s not like we’re in Hawaii where everything is scarce except for pot and bail bondsmen named “Dog” and people calling each other “bra.”  So I opted for the barbecue chicken.  I also ordered the special item of the day – a golden coin manapua – which turned out to be a pork stuffed rice biscuit that looked like a boob.  They forgot to remove the wrapper on the bottom of the boob after microwaving it so I had the joy of peeling it off after nearly eating paper with my first bite.

Pork Stuffed Rice Boob

Boob Wrapper

My barbecue chicken was fatty and had the skin on – two things that fa-reak me out when it comes to chicken.  Needless to say I didn’t eat much of the chicken.  It came with macaroni salad and steamed rice both of which tasted like boob wrapper.

BBQ Chicken Slop

My hot date, Borris, ordered the Barbecue Short Rib plate and he had the same complaint – fatty meat.  They serve everything in styrofoam containers (going green yay!) which made it difficult to cut a bunch of meat slabs  with plastic silverware.  Borris ordered mac&cheese as his side because he secretly wants to be 5 again.  The cheese litrolly dripped off the fork as he took each bite.

Barbecue Meat Slop

Mac & Cheese. And by cheese I mean water.

You know, we didn’t order any Spam items off the menu and for that I apologize because that seems to be their signature item.  However, I do know that what I did order looked just like the slop you see sitting out all day at a Chinese Super Buffet.  I don’t know why I pictured a big old fat Hawaiian dude wearing a lei and no shirt serving me delicious pineapple crusted mahi mahi on top of banana leaf mashed rice cakes for $4.99.  Instead, I got an angry Asian girl serving me Chinese Super Buffet leftovers in a to-go container for $20 (total for both).  They had authentic Hawaiian sodas and other products for sale and I wanted to have at least one good experience at L&L Hawaiian Slop so I went up to the counter to pick one out but noticed that some of the cans had mildew looking gunk on them.  After such an exquisite meal I was all about popping open a can of Mountain Mildew!  In summary, I’m not gonna go back to the double L unless I’m in Hawaii because everything is better in Hawaii.

Mahalo